Lol #dogsoftwitter
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Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
notice
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
love it when they get my name right
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester