My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
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Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?