explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.