The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
wtf management?!
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
philosophical skeletons be like
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it