when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
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#gardening
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Lmao
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Why soy sad?
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job