Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
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Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Story of my life…..
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?