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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
who wants to go expliring
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.