Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
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Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Hell yeah 👍
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?