girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old