at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover