[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
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me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!