Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
For anyone who needs this today
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
you will never know the true number of layers
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
cyclists
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week