I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
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does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Story of my life…..
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Bike is short for Bichael.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”