My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Mad Max Arctic Road
🤣🤣
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.