Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
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