*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
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I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310