If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
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“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.