*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.