imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
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parents: you are what you eat
kids:
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.