Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money