Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain