I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!