When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
cats when you pet them too long:
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.