People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name