Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Spring of Deception
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.