[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Stick it to the man
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break