Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.