Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
You Might Also Like
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Wednesday
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.