Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
There’s always that one guy