Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
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me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
There is no “ea” in Tim.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
no one likes gloating
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic