*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”