How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.