Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
True
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.