if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.