Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
You Might Also Like
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me