*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
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I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency