Love is in the air fryer.
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ