“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
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[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
when revenge coincides with naptime
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Ferrari squats
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no