When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*