Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
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Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
yeah not falling for this one
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
philosophical skeletons be like
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!