[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
What flavor cupcake are these
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.