[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
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Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!