Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
New menu item
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles