I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
me, after any kind of buffet.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN