What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
they split up moments later
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
even bears disappoint their mothers
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents