My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
A family that plays together cheats.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
No way!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.