[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO