“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now