[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Owl Sanctuary
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out