Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*